Monday, July 13, 2015

Day 3 of the Best of my Life: Loving Myself



In the past I HATED myself. I thought I was worthless and could never amount to anything. I felt like those around me had it better than I and that I would never find an end to my suffering. That's why one day at my weakest I tried to kill myself. 

First I tried overdosing on sleep aids, but that was a flop. 

Then I decided to be more gruesome and drastic; I wanted to overcome one of my greatest fears and kill myself with a knife. Many do not know a major secret of mine and I am about to tell you. 


When I was about eight years old, a family member (I will  not say who, but those who know me well enough know who I am taking about) cornered me with a butcher knife and threatened to kill me. I went to my father who didn't believe that I was telling the truth! I was traumatized and afraid of that family member for years....and still am.

Ever since then, I have a fear of knives, especially when they are pointed at me by another person. I literally flinch and freak out, even cry. I was later diagnosed with PTSD and have had nightmares about the incident. 

However, one day I held a knife up to my throat and wanted to slice....but in one LAST cry for HELP, I prayed to Jesus. Can you guess what happened IMMEDIATELY after? 


Well I'll tell you: I felt a deep sensation within me and afterward, I dropped the knife and fell to my knees in tears.

I cried for those I would hurt if I killed myself and that thought disgusted me. I was then disgusted with myself for allowing the Devil  or his minions take hold of my fragile mind and try to convince me that suicide was the answer.


I have always been afraid of Hell, but in that moment, I didn't care. I hated myself.















Yet look at me now! I am more alive than ever and I LOVE who I have become. Through my weakest moment, I have become strong, and it was because I called upon the name of Jesus. Through him I have strength. I have also found strength through those around me who love and care for me. God placed them in my life for a reason and I am grateful and I never want to be so foolish again! 

I have always believed suicide was wrong and never the answer, so why did I want to do something I was also afraid of? Well, it's simple: I lost hope.

Hope is powerful! When you have hope, followed by love, you will rise above ALL your hardships and fears. Hope is not just a word, it is also actions. We can give hope to others and we can also pray for hope to grant us peace.

I have found that hope, love, and peace through Jesus, and then through the Father. He gave me all the answers I was looking for, and I am so thankful my blindness was taken away so I can truly see how beautiful this world can be.

With that said, I want to give hope, love, and peace to others who are in need. What greater gift is there than that?! Even without Jesus, the thought of giving hope to others is powerful, but when you add Jesus into the mix you are then limitless!

That's why I want to go on mission trips and be a part of Compassion International. I am about to share with you some videos about Compassion to hopefully inspire others to sponsor a poor child in poverty. I am unable to be a part of that organization at the moment, but for a brief time I was. I sponsored a child from Indonesia named Davidson who is only 3 years old. My heart broke when I had to learn that I had to be financially responsible and sponsoring a child was not in the budget. 

Yet, one day I WILL be financially stable and can go back to that organization and help a child. I smile when I think of the impact I can do and I am only one person. A person who, if not for Jesus, would be in  Hell with regret, but I have been saved and have now discovered my true purpose and that gives me inner happiness, peace, and hope. ♥

Videos about Compassion and how they got started:

1. What is Compassion?
2. Story of Compassion

3. Living the Legacy

4.  Jesus' Name

5. The Voice

6. What is Poverty?


I am hoping those videos moved you in profound ways to help another in need.

Goodnight and God Bless!